FlyLady crashes into the Mueller's

So, I'm lounging pathetically on the couch watching The Sound of Music. We just completed our 4th Holiday Travel Trip within a one month period.

I must say being with my family was a treat, particularly my neat little nephew Brant. I've not met anyone like this little guy. He makes me double over in laughter at times and is one of those people you think about with a smile even after you are away from him just because he gets into your heart so much. He got an Indianapolis Colts football uniform (including the helmet) for Christmas. I'm not sure which gift he loved more: the uniform or NASCAR driving video game. It was a BLAST to be there and share the excitement of Christmas with an 8 year old boy.

Heading into our 4th trip of the holiday season last Friday, I was hurting. It's like I was totally melting into an ooze in the front seat of our honda. The busyness of our holidays up to that point hadn't made for a fuzzy kindredness with dear Johnny. So, even sharing my innards with him didn't ease any of the empty messy feelings I was having. I was angry, irritated, empty, and disappointed at myself with how the holidays seemed to suck my life out rather than pump me full of rich meaning. The longer I walk with the Lord, the louder this voice screams within to CELEBRATE the true meaning of Christmas rather than trudge along in these life-draining efforts. I decided that I have the expectation for Christmas to hold significant meaning in my soul and yet I trudge along doing things that don't point me in that direction.

So, back to the title.
I found this website called Flylady.net from a friend. It's a delightful little site devoted to folks trying to grasp a little bit of functionality and order in their lives and homes. She's all about decluttering and getting yourself into routines so you don't let your house get totally out of control to the point you have to spend an entire weekend cleaning. I can't really articulate the full scope of what she writes about in this little blog entry but it's been AWESOME for me as a newlywed and homeowner. I've really wanted to learn how to have an organized home and a home that people can visit in without me feeling totally embarrassed because of the mess. She's geared more for us types where organization doesn't come naturally. I love it.

Anyways, FLYLADY had been sending out emails for months before the holidays to help us get a plan so we don't wait until the last minute. She stressed the importance of ENJOYING the holidays through having a plan rather than waiting until the last minute and freaking out and working yourself to death etc etc. I thought I was doing well with getting shopping done and planning holiday meals and keeping up with house-cleaning routines yet was amazed at the vast amount of work the holidays bring.

So, all that to say, I have been taking inventory of our holidays and really thinking through what I enjoyed and what I didn't enjoy about our holidays this year. Overall, I feel quite disappointed that I let myself be dominated by all the shopping and cleaning and running errunds to the point that I spent very little time enjoying the story of Jesus. It's like you have to be still and allow yourself some mental space to really digest anything deeper than getting to Kohl's for After Christmas clearance.
For Real. I think my sadness comes because I miss the Lord. Here passed one of the most significant events in history that effects every aspect of my life, yet I missed it. What is the answer people? I'm not sure that abandoning gift-giving and staying home during the holidays is the answer. I guess you could say I'm evaluating what I would really like in the years ahead.

Neat little delights....

I wanted to let everyone know that our dear Gina passed away this week. It was out of the blue. Quite sudden. Our hearts have been sad. (In case you didn't know, it was one of our birds)

In my mind I think how silly it is to get attached and fall in love with little green parakeets. Yet, John and I both have found them to be such delightful little creatures that bring a lot of joy into our home. I had just prayed the night before we found her dead how thankful I was for them. They sat in their cage and nibbled on one another and when one went to the seed dish to eat, there came the other one. They sat all up next to each other like an old married couple. I smiled a lot just watching them. Billu seemed so happy having her around. She'd pick the feathers on his head and he'd turn his head to allow her to get the other side of his head. My heart smiled.

Today, we'll go to our 3rd pet store in hopes of finding another Gina. She will need to be a big fluffy gal that plays well with others. Nothing but the best for our Billu.

So far, we have had no luck.

I want to be a believer....

How does one begin to explain a strangely odd Christian thing called a Prayer Retreat? I don't think I'll try except I'll tell you what I discovered as a result of it.

So, we were feeling some negative vibes about "having" to spend our entire weekend (Friday evening, all day and evening Sat. and then most of the day Sunday) at this prayer retreat. We have been so busy that having to be tied up all weekend didn't sound all that great. Being forced to sit and think about life and my relationship with God was what I wanted, yet what I feared. I REALLY desired was a good time with God but feared a totally FLOP weekend.

So, John and I were having an intense conversation Friday after he got home from work. My emotions were raw and hey what do you know....it's time to leave for the first meeting. I love it. So, we go and the first night is 2 hours or so of people singing their praises to God. I mean heartfelt and genuine thanks for the work God has done and is doing in their lives. And then there's me. I'm journaling my raw honest thoughts about how I feel like God doesn't love me. I fear he will overlook me and give everyone else a refreshing weekend, but I'll just sit there all weekend miserable and he won't speak to me because he doesn't love me. So, did I mention I'm a Christian missionary? Funny huh how you can get your life pumping so fast and furious with things to do and people to see that you forget the main vain behind ALL OF LIFE. And actually begin to believe that God doesn't love you. I couldn't praise someone that I feared would be rude to me by overlooking me. I left with a sad sad heart.

I wasn't feeling so hot coming back into the day on Saturday but what I've found people is that you can only be where you are at. I have felt in the past that I need to crank out some fake emotional praises but I can't do that. It's just gross. So, there I sat at the prayer weekend, the Christian turd that can't pray because if you don't believe God loves you and overlooks you then why the heck would you tell Him all about your cares and the cares of those you care about. So, the point of the weekend was to listen to God as a group. Somehow after a bit of time passed on Saturday we ended up in this time of casting off the names we believe of ourselves that keep up from accepting the names God has for us. It is amazing to be in a room full of people and hear their hearts laid out there. It was just what my heart needed.

After hearing all the names people have been labeled with and have sunk down deep into their souls, I was saddened. It all feels like too much to overcome. People created in the image of God have taken hard hard blows to their souls. What I'm continuing to learn about myself is that as a kid when my brother was acting out, I was always the steady kid that never created heartache and was always fun to have around, yet there was this huge message sent to my heart that it was overlooked. It's not like I was physically ignored, neglected, or not taken care of. I made the grades, was a good kid, laughed a lot with my mom, yet my heart was not addressed. I don't write any of this as a blame or with ANY hard feelings at all. It's just the conclusion my heart has come to and it interferes with relating to my Father. I feel like I go through the motions of life grocery shopping, running errunds, hanging out with people, fixing food, cleaning around the house, writing letters, enjoying good laughs along the way, yet my heart feels overlooked by God somehow. It's all still so raw and fresh. I don't know if I can fully explain it. There's my dreams and passions and cares that stir within me. There's my hopes and annoyances and hurts and opinions and questions. Oh my gosh are there questions. All of those get stowed away because they didn't seem valuable as a youngster and so I assume they aren't noticed now.

So, the name ingrained in my soul is "overlooked". Don't get me wrong....there's a lot of stuff about me that gets noticed. It's not like I question that....it's more the depths of my soul that I fear gets overlooked.

The only prayer I could really pray all weekend was that God would please change the grain of my heart to believe that my soul is "noticed". I want to be a believer that really "believes".

Channel surfing without cable....

I must say it is a rare thing for me to flip on the boob tube. Tonight was a rare occasion where I wanted to park it on the couch and zone out while eating spiced up chicken and rice with my hubby. While George Foreman's converion story should probably be moving to a sister in the Lord, I wasn't "feeling" it. And then there was this show called "Jail". I was disturbed. Then 34 previews kept popping up on commercial breaks for some lame-o show starting tomorrow evening where people have to feel into these large urn-type-things and supposedly one of the urns has a poisonous snake in it. Whoa. I just wanted to enjoy a nice program on the sofa and detox after a busy day. No chance baby...no chance.

I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with lots of little things that need to be done in my head. Overwhelmed with where to spend our holidays....whether to travel a lot and overextend ourselves during the month of December or take it easy and maybe miss out on a special Christmas with an aging relative. It's like I don't know how to make these decisions yet I feel this huge drive inside (on all occasions not just picking where to spend our holidays) to make the most of our time etc. That is a huge source of stress in my life....I never want to miss out on anything. I really value living life to the fullest and seizing the opportunities before me....yet somewhere along the way I become overwhelmed like it's all up to me to figure all of it out. I'm going to go lay in my big fluffy bed now and talk to God about it....

Me and George Foreman are in the family of God.....

I love my bed....I love my bed....I love my bed.....

We just rolled back into Chicago about 9pm last evening after being at a conference in St. Louis for a week. We skipped out of town early. Honestly, the thought of sleeping in the teeeny weeenie bed another night with my 6'4" hubby nearly brought me to tears. For real. I didn't know how much my big fluffy bed meant to me.

Anyways, it's good to be home. Yet I have this sort of subtle anxiety about getting swept back up into the busyness that life tends to bring. I could sit for hours and think through all the stuff that made my heart sit up and listen. Yet i feel like I CAN NOT make myself sit down these days. I hate that. I want to sit. I NEED to sit is probably more true. I don't know how to balance it all. I mean there are 2 suitcases loaded with dirty undies waiting upstairs to be washed and then an empty fridge that requires filling and then errunds to be run and appointments to keep and old friends to pursue and new relationships to build. The list goes on and on. I came away from the conference with a deep sense that I miss God. I miss Him. He's so fun to have around and enjoy life with. He's so refreshing and fun. He brings light and peace and joy and laughter and wonder and fullness in the harshness of life and the everyday struggles that sort of ebb away at my soul. I hope he teaches me to enjoy him DEEPLY while I go to the post office and make a grocery list and figure out Christmas present ideas and clean up after my stinky birds etc etc etc

Chili Pepper red...

The house is slowing beginning to look normal again. My soul is beginning to unwind after 3 FULLLLL days of painting some rooms upstairs. It's over. And I'm happy. It feels good to have chili pepper red walls in my laundry room and a green guest bedroom. Because I've had my head consumed with painting and getting ready for guests to fly in tomorrow morning, I don't have a lot going on up in my brain or in my heart. I guess it's there. I'm just not tuned in right now. I'm intrigued that as I am painting my laundry room so many huge things are happening in other peoples' worlds. An old high school buddy passed on this week leaving a husband and 2 small children, a dear couple I love is working out the details of their divorce, and another good buddy is waiting for her dad to die after his leukemia took a turn for the worse. The man that told me he had diarrhea quit his job today....got angry after being confronted on his work ethic. I don't know all the details. I wish he would have stayed around.

Good times....

We've had some hard things come our way over the past few days. I won't go into all the details but there has been this prevailing darkness that has hovered closely and heavily over my soul.

One thing that kicked it off was that my hubby came home from work one night last week to tell me that one of his employees didn't show up for work that day and that he didn't call in. Usually what that means in the line of work my husband does is that the guy has gone back to the street and is in a pretty bad spot....where usually drugs and jail are involved. It's all a hard thing to explain but I see these fellas day in and day out. I hear their stories as they show up weekly to Bible study. I watch them try to make changes in their lives because they are sick of their old lives. I love it. So, all I can say is that I'm their fan. I root for them. Man, I wonder after hearing about their lives if anyone has ever rooted for them. Gotten up underneath them and rooted them on. My husband is more directly involved in all of that but from the sidelines I'm like "all in". My heart goes out to them. Anyways...it was like after hearing this guy was gone and then another bomb exploding on my husband and I, I really felt I hated this dark cruel world where no survivors are left standing. No one makes it out. The enemies are too many and too fierce. Seriously. I struggle with all that holding onto hope stuff and that God makes good of stuff. Anyways...I had been wrestling to hold on....and the next day I get a text from my husband telling me that the guy had a bad flu bug but was back to work the next day. I was relieved. Then I ran into the guy today and told him how worried I was for him when he didn't show up or call. He proceeded to tell me of the bad case of diarrhea he had while he was out. My heart smiled. I love that he told me of his ferocious diarrhea.

The decision has been made....

The decision has been made.....

Billu's wife will be named.....Gina. We wanted you all to know. Billu and Gina. Somehow we came up with it in the car coming home from an open mic night we host at work.

I had the unique privilege of meeting a little 1st grade girl named Destiny. I can't stop thinking of her. This world is a hard place for us adults...seems to be even harder for kids. I've never considered myself to be one of those women that is ALL into kids...yet my heart bleeds for kids and the lives they are born into. I have grown over the years to appreciate, value, treasure, delight, and belly laugh at the little glimpses children bring into the way God thinks. I don't know this little gal's story but could gather some info just from the 2 hours we sat beside one another at the open mic night. I asked her if she liked school and being in the 1st grade and she said boys were mean to her...AND even girls were mean to her. She made a point to emphasize (with piercing serious eyes and all) that even girls were mean. We sat whispering back and forth enjoying the show and it was like she couldn't get close enough to me. She taught me about making a face out of pepperoni pizza. I loved it. Then she methodically ate the eyes. Somewhere in the middle of that interaction she asked if the kids that were with me had the same mama. I didn't even know that was an option when I was in the 1st grade in small town Indiana. I liked talking with this little gal.

Regularly, I feel like I'm still fumbling around trying to find myself here in Chicago as a recently married woman living in the inner-city. Sometimes I get afraid that I've lost connection to my heart simply because most days I feel so incredibly out of my element. I mean come on...marriage AND inner-city living seem like foreign waters to be paddling my little soul around in. For rizzle my fizzle.

Anyways, I came home and made some comment to John about maybe feeling more at home in my own heart after that night of hanging with my new buddy Destiny. She was like a little sponge that soaked up any attention I'd give to her. I was blessed.

Waiting for his water to warm up.....

Sometimes you have to savor the fun moments of life....
John (my hubby) is usually up with the chickens so when I opened my eyes at 8am this morning with him beside me, I was a little confused. He was hogging the new fuzzy blanket I put on the bed last night because our house is freezing, and was groaning about how tired he was. He got up, staggered to the bathroom to let his shower water warm up and came back and had a fuzzball from the fuzzy blanket stuck in his gotee. For some reason it made me crack up. He was SO into his bed that he got some on his face. I love it when we're both goofy and in silly moods. Having fun is...so fun.

Birds make my heart happy....

Here is our son, Billu and his new wife "we don't have a name yet". I wanted to share with you that JUST NOW we caught them snuggling for the first time. That seems like a miracle that the two of them have bonded after Billu has appeared to be a rather "cold" bird. We heard from somewhere that parakeets are really social and friendly creatures. Billu doesn't send off those vibes. After watching a set of bird training videos that my husband got for Christmas last year, we have made NO ground with the little bird. He continued to suck himself to the side of the cage and scurry away from us as hard as he can when we open the cage door and attempt to enter his cage. Not so much bonding going on between Billu and his parents. Seems like our suspicions were right that Billu has been in need of a wife all this time......

Dealing with messes 101

I had this incident yesterday at work where I ended up feeling overlooked, overstepped, and NOT considered. People mean well. They really do. I like that about these knucklehead fellas I work with... BUT whoa baby can we all approach situations differently and reach entirely different conclusions in the process. Holy cow. I'd love to spell it all out and give you a play by play of the "incident" but that isn't necessary. Sometimes being the only woman on a construction team is too much.....

Blog Dudd

I'm a blog dudd. No other way to look at it except I'm an inch into blogging and about 40 feet not into blogging. I'm a dudd when it comes to organizing and articulating the 200,000,000 million thoughts that swirl on through this brain on a day to day basis. I look at others' blogs and it looks so fun and simple to jot down a few lines on a daily basis. I'll try that....

We just went to home depot and bought 4 giant pumpkins that I'm looking at propped up on top of our kitchen cabinets. It adds a festive "fall" ambience to our bright kitchen. Then let's move right on to the bright lime green ostrich feather duster that my hubby bought for me for our 1st wedding anniversary yesterday. You heard that right...one whole year....AND a lime green ostrich feather duster. I love it. It's really quite fun to fluff around the house swabbing every little nook and cranny. AND...last but not least...we have a new addition to the family. Our pet parakeet bird Billu has been in need of a wife for some time now. He's just been sort "flat". So, we've been shopping around for a delightful little lady bird and found one Saturday night at Petco. We haven't come up with a name yet but she needs a cool one that leaves a smile in your heart like "Billu" does when you say it. Some ideas that have been suggested are "Big Bertha", "Big Mama", or a more ethnic name like the one my husband suggested, "Chante". Billu and Chante. I'm not so sure about that. Well, if anyone has any big ideas...let me know. Until then we call her whatever comes out at the time.

Go to work....or not....

What a day of frittering. It's been a real busy week and I'm sort of pushing the limits this morning of when I will go into work. It's 11:15am. I have an appointment with someone at 1pm. Do I go into the office and make phone calls? Or sit and fiddle on my blog or read my Psalm for the day or do another load of laundry or clean up the mess I left in the kitchen etc etc? Maybe I'll blog.

I keep thinking of my friend Mary. In the "everyday-ness" of life, I take so much for granted and sort of bulldoze through so many days.....until news comes around of friends like Mary. Mary was a classmate of mine growing up and over the years we have gone our separate ways however I just got word that Mary has inoperable, terminal brain cancer. She will pass on from this earth and leave her sweet husband and two little ones behind. You know, my only response was to weep. Then a really sweet attitude has boosted my heart this week in light of this news. I feel like I have been able to look at things differently. I feel like I have been able to see people in a different perspective. It's quite refreshing to be grateful for the days you have and the people in your life. To cherish those most dear to your heart. Ohhhh...to only live the rest of my days with this perspective.

Fumblefumble....

It seems to me I end up blogging when I am at this unique spot internally. I fumble up to the office after an overwhelming day when I am not sure what to do with myself next. It seems to be the trend with me and blogging. I try to put words to the feelings swirling about within.

I'm not sure this is the image I want to portray in my blog....yet it serves a very therapeutic purpose in my life. anyways....

I just walked in the door after a long lunch meeting. I'm taking on new responsibilities with my job. There's this little window in the learning process where you are feeling the weight of your responsibility as well as the fog from not having all the facts straight about what my responsibilities really are. All I know is there are deadlines and people to report back to...and I have fog in my brain. I'm trying to "roll" with it at this point but it's a rather uneasy feeling I experience when I'm not so sure what I've just gotten myself into and what I'm doing.

Busyness=Numbness

I get so wrapped up in whatever it is I'm doing....

Yesterday it was rampaging through the mall out in the suburbs looking to buy cute summer clothes. Ya know, I'm going on a few big trips coming up and it's like I MUST have cute clothes to wear. AND, most of all, cute shoes. I get a little obsessive. I've already been online 4 times today to see the status of my order from Nordstrom. If anyone cares, I ordered the Tsubo Pingers. I hope they are as dashing as they appear on the computer screen. Is there anyone else out there that obsesses....I mean really obsesses. For real. It's like I lost connection with myself, God, and any sort of real meaning in the midst of my mall outing. Then there was work last night. I just dig in and bury myself in whatever it is at hand. Today, it was a trip to Walmart. Wow. Does it really take all morning to go to Walmart?

So, now that the day is nearly over and my heart feels lonely and empty and tired, it dawned on me that I don't make a spot for him in my life. I leave room for a nice jog, a trip to Walmart, hours upon hours getting my wardrobe in order, but no time for My Love. I'm really sad about that.

Busyness=Numbness

I get so wrapped up in whatever it is I'm doing....

Yesterday it was rampaging through the mall out in the suburbs looking to buy cute summer clothes. Ya know, I'm going on a few big trips coming up and it's like I MUST have cute clothes to wear. AND, most of all, cute shoes. I get a little obsessive. I've already been online 4 times today to see the status of my order from Nordstrom. If anyone cares, I ordered the Tsubo Pingers. I hope they are as dashing as they appear on the computer screen. Is there anyone else out there that obsesses....I mean really obsesses. For real. It's like I lost connection with myself, God, and any sort of real meaning in the midst of my mall outing. Then there was work last night. I just dig in and bury myself in whatever it is at hand. Today, it was a trip to Walmart. Wow. Does it really take all morning to go to Walmart?

So, now that the day is nearly over and my heart feels lonely and empty and tired, it dawned on me that I don't make a spot for him in my life. I leave room for a nice jog, a trip to Walmart, hours upon hours getting my wardrobe in order, but no time for My Love. I'm really sad about that.

Me and My Skippies

Let's see here. I just got the big idea to write on my blog about 2 seconds ago. Until then I was lounging in my bed (again) resting after realizing I had too much to do to even start. We are going on a trip next week to Branson,Missouri and then 1 day after our return I am going to Zion National Park in Utah to do a little bit of a camping excursion. My husband dug out his camping equipment last night and we went through every utensil in the middle of our living room even setting up the 3 man tent on our new beautiful rug from Crate and Barrel. It looks fun. Who knows what kind of camper/hiker I'll be? I mean what is a trowel anyways. In the mean time of trying to piece together both of these trips, I helped my neighbor yesterday with some details she is working on around her house. Her best friend, which happens to be a professional organizer, flew in from California for the week to help her get her house under control. It was a remarkable experience. I came right home and got all 45 bags of potato chips out of the cabinet where I store my crockpot. They don't belong together apparently. And now my wheels are turning as to how our house is set up. I'm learning that I don't have the gift of organization. My husband laughed at my "a-ha" moment on the couch when I put that all together yesterday. I want to learn though. I want to learn lots I'm learning. I love learning. I can't seem to take it all in. Sometimes I drive myself crazy.

We had nice weather over the weekend and I decided I was going to something productive. I went to Home Depot and waded through the mounds of people with their carts of 80lb bags of topsoil and picked out some delightful little guys to plant next to our house. I picked 4 gerbera daisy plants because I think they are just too cute and then picked a couple of other plants by their names...skippies and cosmos...then some petunias because they are like velvet. So, my husband crawled around the yard picking 2 bags of dandelions and I planted a lot of little lovelies. So, I'm learning about flowers. They seem do be doing well after 5 days. We'll see how it goes over the summer.

I'm learning lots about other things too. Cooking pork-kabobs. Loving my husband. Trusting God. Resting in my restlessness. For now though I just wanted to share about my skippies.

What does this day hold?

I went to bed last night with a restless soul. I woke up with thoughts of a friend that is preparing to move back overseas for a time. i found myself aching with the thought of that. I realized I was feeling kind of bored with life and envious of others that have a clear purpose. Fluffing pillows at Crate and Barrel is great and all, but I am feeling the need for "more". More purpose, more challenge, more risk....more of a spot with my name on it. Today, as I rolled out of bed, I realized that feeling of restlessness is lingering.

So, instead of putting myself to use around the house, I plopped back in bed with my book I've been getting sucked into. Queen Noor is a captivating book and I'm seeing how much I love learning about other places in the world that have always seemed like a mystery to me. I have always heard of the struggles in the middle east but have really had no clue what it was all about. I'm not proud of my history and world ignorance. But I guess you have to start somewhere. This young American woman marries the King of Jordan. It's her life story as she joins here husband and what that looks like for her personally. It's also a great overview of the middle east conflict from the Arab perspective.

I realize after 2 hours of reading that I've been flopped on the bed long enough. I feel sort of lost and am not really even sure where to wander. I feel this faint call to be patient...to wait for things to unfold here in Chicago. I hope there is a purpose for me here. I know I didn't land right in the middle of something I have always dreamed of doing for nothing. I don't even know where to look or what to pursue or what I want. How do I stay in this day rather than think back to days of old? How do I enjoy today and see it for the awesome gift it is rather than wish for tomorrow? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Husbands loud toots =Can't sleep=analyzing the current state of my heart....

Well, here goes Blog insert #3 after 3 months of having the dog gone thing. For some reason I know this thing is good for me to write on, yet having so many sad thoughts swirling inside of me makes it seem much more risky...and unappealing. I mean who wants to say they have been feeling sad. Sadness makes me believe something major is wrong with me or at least worry about it in the middle of the night.... Yet there is this other side of my heart that somehow knows sadness is really not MAJOR...moreso a common emotion our culture is very uncomfortable with. I have no answers here.
So, I read the Bible. It says something about Jesus comforting those who mourn. I read on in other places about His yoke being easy and his burden light. I'd like to mourn and be comforted by Jesus rather than kicking my lifestyle in overdrive to avoid admitting I'm grieving some things. I'd like to feel what Jesus's yoke feels like. I don't honestly think I know what his backpack feels like. But something tells me he might show me someday. Oh how I long for that day. And a good night's sleep.

The Golden Days....

Where to begin....
Of all the things that could be used to inspire me in my blog writing...it was a song played on our radio system while working my weekend shift at Crate and Barrel. Hang with me folks. It is this swanky tune singing about the "Golden Days" with this jazzy nerd-o guy incorporating as many syllables as possible into Go-o-lden Day-e-yeah-e-yeah-e-yeahzzz. It's really an awful song when played over and over (along with 12 other songs on the CD) for an entire 9 hour shift. Anyways, the songs sort of get into me and I take them along with me for the rest of the days I'm not working.

My life has been one of LOTS of changes over the past year. So much changes when you get married, live in a new (huge) city, have to make all new friends, have no real clue as to where you "fit" in it all or what it means to be a wife etc etc etc. The bedrock foundations of my soul have shimmied a bit (or a lot) in all of this. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, but sometimes it has been hard to be here. I've done lots of waiting...impatiently. Lots of spinning my tires. Lots of forgetting Who I belong to. Yet have had lots of curiosity about how God is going to "pull this one off". You see, I'm right where I've dreamed of being for YEARS. I'm living proof that we can dream with all our hearts...and God cares. But, it doesn't mean it can't be hard or lonely and take time for it all to unfold. This posting is about a particular "hard time" when the dreamer was wishing for the "Golden Days".

So, about a month ago around 2:30am when I couldn't sleep, I wondered why the "Golden Days" song would NOT leave my brain and had been there for days. Even as I sat pouring my guts out to God complaining because I didn't feel like I had friends or purpose etc etc, there was nerd-o jazzy man playing in my head about the Golden Days. Many of you that know me, know that I spent 8 months of my life in the beautiful land of Ireland. Although being there was 2 years ago, it was a season in my life that represented so much LIVING, beauty, purpose, and some of the dearest times I've had with God and friends. Not to say laughter that made my face ache. And realizations about life and love that have forever changed the way I live now and how I will live the rest of my life. It was RICH. FULL.

As I was sitting in my big fluffy chair feeling so saaaaaad, frustrated and empty, I guess I was reminded in my big puddle that THESE are golden days too and tomorrow are golden days. I don't want to miss them.

I love the people I worked with in Ireland. I loved the beauty of the country. I loved working in a position that just "fit" me. I loved people with similar senses of humor. I loved feeling like I contributed something to our team. I loved learning SO much each day it nearly made my soul explode.
But, I realized that those are all things I have with me today. Right here. And they aren't gone forever no matter how much it felt like that night at 2:30am. I asked God to bring those things that are dear to my heart to me. He has been over the past month. I like that. Only He can care for the deepest concerns of my heart.

A Hesitant Beginning

I've been toying with the idea of starting a blog since the other night when I could not sleep and had so much on my heart and a longing to just write it out. I remembered reading several of my friends blog pages and had this overwhelming thought.....man I need to write. I need to share. I want to share. But at that specific time in the middle of the night, I needed to share. So, here I sit with paint on my fingers rigging up my brand new blog page. I'm trying to paint our bathroom upstairs. I'm doing something technological and can't wait to share with my hubby that I did something new and adventurous on a computer. He loves computers. They're not my fave. Anyways, I'm always a bit hesitant to do "computer things" that involve "sharing my heart" but I'm excited to give this thing a whirl. I'll write more in the near future. I'm so proud of myself.