I want to be a believer....

How does one begin to explain a strangely odd Christian thing called a Prayer Retreat? I don't think I'll try except I'll tell you what I discovered as a result of it.

So, we were feeling some negative vibes about "having" to spend our entire weekend (Friday evening, all day and evening Sat. and then most of the day Sunday) at this prayer retreat. We have been so busy that having to be tied up all weekend didn't sound all that great. Being forced to sit and think about life and my relationship with God was what I wanted, yet what I feared. I REALLY desired was a good time with God but feared a totally FLOP weekend.

So, John and I were having an intense conversation Friday after he got home from work. My emotions were raw and hey what do you know....it's time to leave for the first meeting. I love it. So, we go and the first night is 2 hours or so of people singing their praises to God. I mean heartfelt and genuine thanks for the work God has done and is doing in their lives. And then there's me. I'm journaling my raw honest thoughts about how I feel like God doesn't love me. I fear he will overlook me and give everyone else a refreshing weekend, but I'll just sit there all weekend miserable and he won't speak to me because he doesn't love me. So, did I mention I'm a Christian missionary? Funny huh how you can get your life pumping so fast and furious with things to do and people to see that you forget the main vain behind ALL OF LIFE. And actually begin to believe that God doesn't love you. I couldn't praise someone that I feared would be rude to me by overlooking me. I left with a sad sad heart.

I wasn't feeling so hot coming back into the day on Saturday but what I've found people is that you can only be where you are at. I have felt in the past that I need to crank out some fake emotional praises but I can't do that. It's just gross. So, there I sat at the prayer weekend, the Christian turd that can't pray because if you don't believe God loves you and overlooks you then why the heck would you tell Him all about your cares and the cares of those you care about. So, the point of the weekend was to listen to God as a group. Somehow after a bit of time passed on Saturday we ended up in this time of casting off the names we believe of ourselves that keep up from accepting the names God has for us. It is amazing to be in a room full of people and hear their hearts laid out there. It was just what my heart needed.

After hearing all the names people have been labeled with and have sunk down deep into their souls, I was saddened. It all feels like too much to overcome. People created in the image of God have taken hard hard blows to their souls. What I'm continuing to learn about myself is that as a kid when my brother was acting out, I was always the steady kid that never created heartache and was always fun to have around, yet there was this huge message sent to my heart that it was overlooked. It's not like I was physically ignored, neglected, or not taken care of. I made the grades, was a good kid, laughed a lot with my mom, yet my heart was not addressed. I don't write any of this as a blame or with ANY hard feelings at all. It's just the conclusion my heart has come to and it interferes with relating to my Father. I feel like I go through the motions of life grocery shopping, running errunds, hanging out with people, fixing food, cleaning around the house, writing letters, enjoying good laughs along the way, yet my heart feels overlooked by God somehow. It's all still so raw and fresh. I don't know if I can fully explain it. There's my dreams and passions and cares that stir within me. There's my hopes and annoyances and hurts and opinions and questions. Oh my gosh are there questions. All of those get stowed away because they didn't seem valuable as a youngster and so I assume they aren't noticed now.

So, the name ingrained in my soul is "overlooked". Don't get me wrong....there's a lot of stuff about me that gets noticed. It's not like I question that....it's more the depths of my soul that I fear gets overlooked.

The only prayer I could really pray all weekend was that God would please change the grain of my heart to believe that my soul is "noticed". I want to be a believer that really "believes".