Feeling a bit lost....

I'm all shook up...doo doo doooo...

I'm feeling a bit lost as I fumble down to my computer at 4:40pm after a nap that wasn't long enough. I'm tired people. So tired my eyeballs burn.

A giant car seat sits in our living room that was delivered yesterday (thanks Dad and Pat). Multiple confusing medical bills lay in a heap on the table as well as 3 big bags of recyclables I have been collecting for months. (I put them there 2 days ago to "force" myself to take them to the recycle center) I refuse to throw them in the garbage simply because I want to do SOMETHING to help our planet and invest in my kids future, but don't have the energy to drive 6 blocks to deposit them. I have great intentions and want to make a difference. I'm still not ready to throw them in the trash. Not sure how long John will put up with my "good intentions". There's clothes to be sorted and given away. Kegels to be done. People that need pursued. Phone calls to return. A marriage to invest in. A house in need of cleaning.

While I have a lot of really good heartfelt pure intentions, I also see quite clearly that I have a lot of guilt in my life. I was just reading some pregnancy book about letting go of "unrealistic expectations" when baby arrives. I think God has spoken...in a still small voice called "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I try to make too many things TOP priorities...which blows the whole definition of "top priority" into bits. I'm smart...I should have thought through that a little better. Something is driving me these days and it doesn't really feel like the light inviting voice of a loving Father. It's more the stinky rotten smell of guilt and bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I went to see our counselor today. What a rare oasis to have someone in your life that you can say anything to. I don't have to pretend I'm ok. I don't have to protect anyone's identity. I can be a pathetic mess and not feel like I have to clean it up so she doesn't know I'm really this messy. I really treasure her example of being a courageous woman that embraces all that is required in order to be a real woman. She's a true encouragement. She walks by faith and actually believes the Good News in the real things of the heart that matter most. My honesty with her shocks me. Talking plainly about what I really think about feels like a soul-cleanse.

Lord have your way in my mess.