Looking out the window...without my glasses on.

It's 3:35am in the morning. If I lay on my right side, my hip aches. But I'm also tired of laying on my left side. I'm not sure exactly what to do at this point. All I know is I need sleep.

It's been a full day. I was tossing and turning with the events of the day swirling in my mind when I decided I might as well get up and stagger around the house a bit in hopes that my hips would stop aching.

I've already eaten a bowl of Great Grains (yummo). As I was putting my bowl in the sink I saw some "figure" out the window in the alley that I couldn't quite disipher because I don't have my glasses on. I studied intently...with no luck. I still don't know what's in the alley but decided to name my next blog post that. It feels sort of fitting for some reason to all the stuff swirling inside.

Our company is in a position to cut WAY back. We're gutting it out. Giving all we can to make the end of the year in the positive. But major cuts are still in the forecast. I guess as I was rotating from hip to hip upstairs in bed, the weight of those cutbacks was affecting me more than I realized. I grieve how hard it is to trust God in this world where more times than not it feels like we're seeing things "without our glasses". We can't really see what is going on or what the Plan is. All I know is, I sure hope people (myself included) can hold onto Him. I crave for Him to show Himself faithful in all the messes we find ourselves in. I long.

An entire program will end at the end of November. Programs aren't just programs. People's lives are deeply effected. That makes me sad. Co-workers salaries are being eliminated. These co-workers have left it all to live in a community they are quite foreign to, and now their jobs are being eliminated. I'm hurting for them. It's not a hopeless hurting...just the hurt that comes from looking out the window but not quite yet being able to disipher what is actually going on "in the alley". They have strong faith..they know God. But the guys in the discipleship house (the program that is being eliminated) have more of a "wobbly" faith. They come to the discipleship house to get out of their environments that are literally destroying them. For some, they are just getting their feet beneath them and getting their lives together, and now they must find a place to live in the next 6 weeks. I fear for them. Can't really see the Plan right now. Feel like I'm holding my breath for them rather than breathing deeply with the ease that comes from trusting God's heart in this situation.

Cankles...will I get them???? Am I destined to get a quapruple chin????

I'd say around 30 weeks of pregnancy you begin to feel very vulnerable. Or more vulnerable than you normally feel. The birth is getting closer and closer. Your body begins to do more and more odd things you don't know what to think of. The birth class is over which makes one feel like you should know what the heck you are doing even when you don't. I catch a glimpse of my pear-shaped body in a full length mirror and feel "concerned". Where did my old body go? I look sort of funny. People say pregnant ladies are cute...but when you are the pregnant lady...you have to wonder. Is this giant ball out front that makes all my outfits look weird "cute"?

For the record....

I made the deposit today. I threw 3 large bags of recyclables into the big bins on 18th and Pulaski. I like the feeling.

Feeling a bit lost....

I'm all shook up...doo doo doooo...

I'm feeling a bit lost as I fumble down to my computer at 4:40pm after a nap that wasn't long enough. I'm tired people. So tired my eyeballs burn.

A giant car seat sits in our living room that was delivered yesterday (thanks Dad and Pat). Multiple confusing medical bills lay in a heap on the table as well as 3 big bags of recyclables I have been collecting for months. (I put them there 2 days ago to "force" myself to take them to the recycle center) I refuse to throw them in the garbage simply because I want to do SOMETHING to help our planet and invest in my kids future, but don't have the energy to drive 6 blocks to deposit them. I have great intentions and want to make a difference. I'm still not ready to throw them in the trash. Not sure how long John will put up with my "good intentions". There's clothes to be sorted and given away. Kegels to be done. People that need pursued. Phone calls to return. A marriage to invest in. A house in need of cleaning.

While I have a lot of really good heartfelt pure intentions, I also see quite clearly that I have a lot of guilt in my life. I was just reading some pregnancy book about letting go of "unrealistic expectations" when baby arrives. I think God has spoken...in a still small voice called "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I try to make too many things TOP priorities...which blows the whole definition of "top priority" into bits. I'm smart...I should have thought through that a little better. Something is driving me these days and it doesn't really feel like the light inviting voice of a loving Father. It's more the stinky rotten smell of guilt and bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I went to see our counselor today. What a rare oasis to have someone in your life that you can say anything to. I don't have to pretend I'm ok. I don't have to protect anyone's identity. I can be a pathetic mess and not feel like I have to clean it up so she doesn't know I'm really this messy. I really treasure her example of being a courageous woman that embraces all that is required in order to be a real woman. She's a true encouragement. She walks by faith and actually believes the Good News in the real things of the heart that matter most. My honesty with her shocks me. Talking plainly about what I really think about feels like a soul-cleanse.

Lord have your way in my mess.