Looking out the window...without my glasses on.

It's 3:35am in the morning. If I lay on my right side, my hip aches. But I'm also tired of laying on my left side. I'm not sure exactly what to do at this point. All I know is I need sleep.

It's been a full day. I was tossing and turning with the events of the day swirling in my mind when I decided I might as well get up and stagger around the house a bit in hopes that my hips would stop aching.

I've already eaten a bowl of Great Grains (yummo). As I was putting my bowl in the sink I saw some "figure" out the window in the alley that I couldn't quite disipher because I don't have my glasses on. I studied intently...with no luck. I still don't know what's in the alley but decided to name my next blog post that. It feels sort of fitting for some reason to all the stuff swirling inside.

Our company is in a position to cut WAY back. We're gutting it out. Giving all we can to make the end of the year in the positive. But major cuts are still in the forecast. I guess as I was rotating from hip to hip upstairs in bed, the weight of those cutbacks was affecting me more than I realized. I grieve how hard it is to trust God in this world where more times than not it feels like we're seeing things "without our glasses". We can't really see what is going on or what the Plan is. All I know is, I sure hope people (myself included) can hold onto Him. I crave for Him to show Himself faithful in all the messes we find ourselves in. I long.

An entire program will end at the end of November. Programs aren't just programs. People's lives are deeply effected. That makes me sad. Co-workers salaries are being eliminated. These co-workers have left it all to live in a community they are quite foreign to, and now their jobs are being eliminated. I'm hurting for them. It's not a hopeless hurting...just the hurt that comes from looking out the window but not quite yet being able to disipher what is actually going on "in the alley". They have strong faith..they know God. But the guys in the discipleship house (the program that is being eliminated) have more of a "wobbly" faith. They come to the discipleship house to get out of their environments that are literally destroying them. For some, they are just getting their feet beneath them and getting their lives together, and now they must find a place to live in the next 6 weeks. I fear for them. Can't really see the Plan right now. Feel like I'm holding my breath for them rather than breathing deeply with the ease that comes from trusting God's heart in this situation.

Cankles...will I get them???? Am I destined to get a quapruple chin????

I'd say around 30 weeks of pregnancy you begin to feel very vulnerable. Or more vulnerable than you normally feel. The birth is getting closer and closer. Your body begins to do more and more odd things you don't know what to think of. The birth class is over which makes one feel like you should know what the heck you are doing even when you don't. I catch a glimpse of my pear-shaped body in a full length mirror and feel "concerned". Where did my old body go? I look sort of funny. People say pregnant ladies are cute...but when you are the pregnant lady...you have to wonder. Is this giant ball out front that makes all my outfits look weird "cute"?

For the record....

I made the deposit today. I threw 3 large bags of recyclables into the big bins on 18th and Pulaski. I like the feeling.

Feeling a bit lost....

I'm all shook up...doo doo doooo...

I'm feeling a bit lost as I fumble down to my computer at 4:40pm after a nap that wasn't long enough. I'm tired people. So tired my eyeballs burn.

A giant car seat sits in our living room that was delivered yesterday (thanks Dad and Pat). Multiple confusing medical bills lay in a heap on the table as well as 3 big bags of recyclables I have been collecting for months. (I put them there 2 days ago to "force" myself to take them to the recycle center) I refuse to throw them in the garbage simply because I want to do SOMETHING to help our planet and invest in my kids future, but don't have the energy to drive 6 blocks to deposit them. I have great intentions and want to make a difference. I'm still not ready to throw them in the trash. Not sure how long John will put up with my "good intentions". There's clothes to be sorted and given away. Kegels to be done. People that need pursued. Phone calls to return. A marriage to invest in. A house in need of cleaning.

While I have a lot of really good heartfelt pure intentions, I also see quite clearly that I have a lot of guilt in my life. I was just reading some pregnancy book about letting go of "unrealistic expectations" when baby arrives. I think God has spoken...in a still small voice called "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I try to make too many things TOP priorities...which blows the whole definition of "top priority" into bits. I'm smart...I should have thought through that a little better. Something is driving me these days and it doesn't really feel like the light inviting voice of a loving Father. It's more the stinky rotten smell of guilt and bearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I went to see our counselor today. What a rare oasis to have someone in your life that you can say anything to. I don't have to pretend I'm ok. I don't have to protect anyone's identity. I can be a pathetic mess and not feel like I have to clean it up so she doesn't know I'm really this messy. I really treasure her example of being a courageous woman that embraces all that is required in order to be a real woman. She's a true encouragement. She walks by faith and actually believes the Good News in the real things of the heart that matter most. My honesty with her shocks me. Talking plainly about what I really think about feels like a soul-cleanse.

Lord have your way in my mess.

Missplacing the loaf of bread....

I made a PB&J sandwich for Johnny yesterday morning to send in his lunch. The fact that I actually remembered to make a lunch in the morning rather than waiting until he was starving at 2pm is remarkable. And I was careful to put the lunch bag by the front door so he would remember to take it. What happened after that, I don't recall. All I know is that we were in a frenzy to get to birth class last evening after lounging on the couch after work for 1 hour, only to find that "the loaf" was missing. The only idea I could come up with for dinner was to make grilled cheese sandwiches. I know I know. My poor husband. The cooking in our home has slipped to the bare minimum this week. I just don't want to be bothered with thinking and planning and grocery shopping. Can't do it this week. So, grilled cheese sounded like a gourmet option compared to frozen meals. He loves grilled cheese and was like a lion on the prowl after I told him I couldn't find "the loaf". We both dug through every nook of the fridge and in every cabinet only to find no bread. What a weird feeling. I lost my bread.
I found it this morning above the stove. Not sure how it got there or what I was thinking when I put it there.

I've been freaky...

I'm trying to reel it in. I think I've done pretty good over the past several days. But ever since I've been enlisted to "register" for baby gifts for upcoming showers, I have been scarily engrossed in "figuring out" baby stuff. What stroller, car seat, bedding, high chair, pack n play, exercauser, bouncy seat, sling, diaper bag, etc etc etc? The list is endless. The options are endless. The prices are horrific. And somehow ALL this stuff seems sort of unneeded to the extent babys r us seems to make it seem so NECESSARY. My head was spinning for weeks on end. I think it's slowing down a bit. I am more at peace. I can make decisions. All will be ok. I'll wheel my $200 stroller till the wheels fall off.

He'll be coming around the mountain when he comes....

With all the heartache and madness that presents itself on the news and just around the corner in our neighborhood...I like to keep a running mental log of things that remind me of the goodness of people as well as little nuggets of Glory available for my eyes to see this side of heaven.

Here's the scenario.

A bunch of the construction crew and contractors decided they were done for the day last week and wanted to grill out after work. I'm not sure who really drives around with a portable grill in the back of their car, but someone did. I came busting out of the office and realized there was a full-on BarBQ right outside the office on the sidewalk. As if that isn't glorious enough. You gotta love people that take a normal Thursday and make it into a time to celebrate with hot links (a term I was unfamiliar with until moving to the inner-city) on a portable grill outside the office. As more and more people strolled out of the office, the BarBQ kept gaining more and more momentum. I sat on a fire hydrant eating a hot link on wonder bread with the guys. And had a great time.

Then out of nowhere Henry strolls up to the full-on BarBQ. I don't know all of Henry's story except he's an older fella that has been around Breaking Ground for a while living in our discipleship house. All the guys in the house call him "dad". He's the most humble, grateful, soft spoken man I've ever met with a genuine gentleness to him that is rare in this neck of the woods. From the first day I met him, I loved him. Whatever "hits" life has brought his way or madness he has chosen to get himself into over the years, he's really an older man now that has learned and is learning from the mistakes of his life. My heart just wants good for him. A few weeks ago he stopped by our house to have dinner in his car that he had been saving up to buy. It's a modest older Chrysler, but it's his and he bought it.

Here's the goodness that brought tears to my eye.

He came walking up to the BarBQ on a mission to find help because his car had died at the intersection one block away, which happened to be in front of the police station. Apparently it was blocking traffic and he didn't want to get a ticket, but at the same time was unable to get the car up and around the corner out of the intersection. Immediately, 3 big guys jumped in the van to go help Henry move his car. There sat Henry in the drivers seat with 3 big men holding hot links on wonder bread pushing a car up hill around the corner. I literally got a tear in my eye. This situation seems so symbolic of the way I see these guys love and serve each other. When someone is in need, you help. I want to be like that.

I've grown to love these guys. It's a joy to work with these people and see their Glory when so much of the time society brushes them off as "not worth our time". I came home blessed.

Waiting for my bread to rise....

It's been a fairly un-eventful day. I got up and let out a groan as I staggered to use the bathroom (a fairly common encounter for a pregnant woman). I forced myself to go to the track this morning to walk since I've skipped the past few days and can feel my fat rolls on top of my growing baby bump sticking together as I drive around in this unbearable Chicago humidity. That's motivation my friends. My body finally woke up and my head began to clear around mile 4. On the way home, I had this overwhelming urge to come home and bake some homemade wheat bread. In the midst of 200 other things I should be doing, I came home and started the messy, uncertain process of making homemade bread. Each little loaf is rising in their pan right now. It's looking promising. And I can taste warm bread with butter and honey already.

Getting some fresh air....

I felt like writing today about my trip to visit a friend in Wauconda. She's in the women's group I am a part of from church. She and her husband moved to a house on the lake there. I pulled into her housing addition and literally breathed deeper than I have in a long time as I saw the lake splashing up on the shore. I can't describe it. It was like I could breathe.
I wonder if there's something I'm missing or have neglected in my soul. Just the other day some friends asked me if I regularly got away from the city. They had not grown up in the city so were onto something regarding people's need to get up out of this overpopulated, undergrassed, horn-honking wonderland I am now calling home. I think it all clicked as I came wheeling my ford focus around the corner and saw this vast lake and felt the crisp wind. Ohhh.
Maybe I've been starved for space and beauty and time to sit and think in God's wonders without someone being all up in my space. I'm wondering now if that's why I've taken such a liking to my blooming amaryllis and tulips. I gotta work on this people. I've just got too.

Take Care Baby Girllllll...

This one came out of nowhere. I was running an errund to pay my library fine and the man holding the door open as I walked out said, "take care Baby Girl". I think I looked at him like, "huh"? I sort of had to process it and take it all in. Up to this point, I have not been addressed as "baby girl". That was a new one. I liked it. Went straight to the office and had to tell Johnny about it.

Anyways, I've decided after Sunday's post that I tend to blog when I'm lonely. I didn't even realize it. I kind of had a nagging suspicion that I was lonely but I was too quick to write it off. Then I met with my counselor today and lots of things started to make sense. I tend to forget that I really really love to be known by people and LOVE knowing others. Not just in the casual, "I made a pot roast last night" way. But more in the, "I'm raging inside and want more out of life." I love knowing what is going on inside. I love hearing what people are mulling over regarding God, themselves, and others. It's not like I've never thought of this before. I've known all this for years, but have somehow lost connection with it in the the busyness of being a wife and homeowner and employee in the fast-pace society of the US. Yuck.

Blog dudd hits again...

It's been a while....

It's Sunday afternoon. About 4pm. Have people coming in a few hours for dinner yet feel the strange compelling to sort of "connect" with what is going on inside. Yet at the same time am pondering when to start the Rotel cheese dip. Strange how diverse our lives are....Rotel dip and bratwursts and the dimensions in our souls being limitless and infinite.

Does anyone else sort of shut down after too many overwhelming feelings rise up in you? The sermon this morning was about desperate prayer. He made it sound like that is such a foreign thing for himself and most of us comfortable Americans. For some reason, it seems like my life. I was trekking with him. I've felt pretty desperate lately....particularly for a few people that I find myself loving dearly. I desperately love my nephew. I want his soul to remain intact in a world that doesn't promise any such thing. I want my dear friend to be put back together after many many shattering blows to her heart by others, life, her own choices. How do you go from desperate prayer for dire circumstances to mixing up some Rotel dip? I don't know...but I'm about to.