Neat little delights....

I wanted to let everyone know that our dear Gina passed away this week. It was out of the blue. Quite sudden. Our hearts have been sad. (In case you didn't know, it was one of our birds)

In my mind I think how silly it is to get attached and fall in love with little green parakeets. Yet, John and I both have found them to be such delightful little creatures that bring a lot of joy into our home. I had just prayed the night before we found her dead how thankful I was for them. They sat in their cage and nibbled on one another and when one went to the seed dish to eat, there came the other one. They sat all up next to each other like an old married couple. I smiled a lot just watching them. Billu seemed so happy having her around. She'd pick the feathers on his head and he'd turn his head to allow her to get the other side of his head. My heart smiled.

Today, we'll go to our 3rd pet store in hopes of finding another Gina. She will need to be a big fluffy gal that plays well with others. Nothing but the best for our Billu.

So far, we have had no luck.

I want to be a believer....

How does one begin to explain a strangely odd Christian thing called a Prayer Retreat? I don't think I'll try except I'll tell you what I discovered as a result of it.

So, we were feeling some negative vibes about "having" to spend our entire weekend (Friday evening, all day and evening Sat. and then most of the day Sunday) at this prayer retreat. We have been so busy that having to be tied up all weekend didn't sound all that great. Being forced to sit and think about life and my relationship with God was what I wanted, yet what I feared. I REALLY desired was a good time with God but feared a totally FLOP weekend.

So, John and I were having an intense conversation Friday after he got home from work. My emotions were raw and hey what do you know....it's time to leave for the first meeting. I love it. So, we go and the first night is 2 hours or so of people singing their praises to God. I mean heartfelt and genuine thanks for the work God has done and is doing in their lives. And then there's me. I'm journaling my raw honest thoughts about how I feel like God doesn't love me. I fear he will overlook me and give everyone else a refreshing weekend, but I'll just sit there all weekend miserable and he won't speak to me because he doesn't love me. So, did I mention I'm a Christian missionary? Funny huh how you can get your life pumping so fast and furious with things to do and people to see that you forget the main vain behind ALL OF LIFE. And actually begin to believe that God doesn't love you. I couldn't praise someone that I feared would be rude to me by overlooking me. I left with a sad sad heart.

I wasn't feeling so hot coming back into the day on Saturday but what I've found people is that you can only be where you are at. I have felt in the past that I need to crank out some fake emotional praises but I can't do that. It's just gross. So, there I sat at the prayer weekend, the Christian turd that can't pray because if you don't believe God loves you and overlooks you then why the heck would you tell Him all about your cares and the cares of those you care about. So, the point of the weekend was to listen to God as a group. Somehow after a bit of time passed on Saturday we ended up in this time of casting off the names we believe of ourselves that keep up from accepting the names God has for us. It is amazing to be in a room full of people and hear their hearts laid out there. It was just what my heart needed.

After hearing all the names people have been labeled with and have sunk down deep into their souls, I was saddened. It all feels like too much to overcome. People created in the image of God have taken hard hard blows to their souls. What I'm continuing to learn about myself is that as a kid when my brother was acting out, I was always the steady kid that never created heartache and was always fun to have around, yet there was this huge message sent to my heart that it was overlooked. It's not like I was physically ignored, neglected, or not taken care of. I made the grades, was a good kid, laughed a lot with my mom, yet my heart was not addressed. I don't write any of this as a blame or with ANY hard feelings at all. It's just the conclusion my heart has come to and it interferes with relating to my Father. I feel like I go through the motions of life grocery shopping, running errunds, hanging out with people, fixing food, cleaning around the house, writing letters, enjoying good laughs along the way, yet my heart feels overlooked by God somehow. It's all still so raw and fresh. I don't know if I can fully explain it. There's my dreams and passions and cares that stir within me. There's my hopes and annoyances and hurts and opinions and questions. Oh my gosh are there questions. All of those get stowed away because they didn't seem valuable as a youngster and so I assume they aren't noticed now.

So, the name ingrained in my soul is "overlooked". Don't get me wrong....there's a lot of stuff about me that gets noticed. It's not like I question that....it's more the depths of my soul that I fear gets overlooked.

The only prayer I could really pray all weekend was that God would please change the grain of my heart to believe that my soul is "noticed". I want to be a believer that really "believes".

Channel surfing without cable....

I must say it is a rare thing for me to flip on the boob tube. Tonight was a rare occasion where I wanted to park it on the couch and zone out while eating spiced up chicken and rice with my hubby. While George Foreman's converion story should probably be moving to a sister in the Lord, I wasn't "feeling" it. And then there was this show called "Jail". I was disturbed. Then 34 previews kept popping up on commercial breaks for some lame-o show starting tomorrow evening where people have to feel into these large urn-type-things and supposedly one of the urns has a poisonous snake in it. Whoa. I just wanted to enjoy a nice program on the sofa and detox after a busy day. No chance baby...no chance.

I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with lots of little things that need to be done in my head. Overwhelmed with where to spend our holidays....whether to travel a lot and overextend ourselves during the month of December or take it easy and maybe miss out on a special Christmas with an aging relative. It's like I don't know how to make these decisions yet I feel this huge drive inside (on all occasions not just picking where to spend our holidays) to make the most of our time etc. That is a huge source of stress in my life....I never want to miss out on anything. I really value living life to the fullest and seizing the opportunities before me....yet somewhere along the way I become overwhelmed like it's all up to me to figure all of it out. I'm going to go lay in my big fluffy bed now and talk to God about it....

Me and George Foreman are in the family of God.....

I love my bed....I love my bed....I love my bed.....

We just rolled back into Chicago about 9pm last evening after being at a conference in St. Louis for a week. We skipped out of town early. Honestly, the thought of sleeping in the teeeny weeenie bed another night with my 6'4" hubby nearly brought me to tears. For real. I didn't know how much my big fluffy bed meant to me.

Anyways, it's good to be home. Yet I have this sort of subtle anxiety about getting swept back up into the busyness that life tends to bring. I could sit for hours and think through all the stuff that made my heart sit up and listen. Yet i feel like I CAN NOT make myself sit down these days. I hate that. I want to sit. I NEED to sit is probably more true. I don't know how to balance it all. I mean there are 2 suitcases loaded with dirty undies waiting upstairs to be washed and then an empty fridge that requires filling and then errunds to be run and appointments to keep and old friends to pursue and new relationships to build. The list goes on and on. I came away from the conference with a deep sense that I miss God. I miss Him. He's so fun to have around and enjoy life with. He's so refreshing and fun. He brings light and peace and joy and laughter and wonder and fullness in the harshness of life and the everyday struggles that sort of ebb away at my soul. I hope he teaches me to enjoy him DEEPLY while I go to the post office and make a grocery list and figure out Christmas present ideas and clean up after my stinky birds etc etc etc